September 12th, 2025
Carlo, Bro.
I got a question. This guy, Banana Legs, who lives around my block told me about this business opportunity. He's kinda shady, but I thought, whatevs, I've been out of work a while and need some dough. So he takes me around the corner, behind the grocer. And he says he has a bunch of crates he needs help loading up. And I'll get a cut.
So I help BL back up his rusty pickup, and start loading them in. And I get to the last couple crates and then I hear some tires screeching around the corner. Banana Legs freaks out and starts driving, with the gate to the pickup still open, crates banging all around. So I forget the rest of them sitting there and start running after the truck, dodging the crates falling off into the road. I finally manage to hop in the back. We get down the road and he tells me he needs to use my garage. Even though I know for sure he would have left me without thinking twice, he's acting all buddy buddy.
And because I'm an idiot, and I want the cash, I play along. So we go to my place. I pull the zamboni out of the garage, and we pack the crates in. It fills up the whole place. Then BL goes home, and I crash. Long story short, I haven't heard a peep from Banana Legs for the last two weeks. The crates are starting to smell. I popped a slat on one of them to see what's inside, and its potatoes. So many potatoes. And they're starting to mold and liquify. I guess he was planning on fencing them, but who's gonna buy a garage full of putrid potato milkshake?
Tell me, how am I gonna clean up this mess, Carlo?
From, An honest buck(et of potatoes)
September 13th, 2025
Devoted Readers,
Thursday, September 11th, 2025, our last advice-seeker was apprehended by Interpol. A chemical analysis of the envelope revealed it was glued shut with a mixture of potato starch and water. Experts determined the starch was extracted from the endangered German Butterball heirloom potato. This variety's rarity, and the purity of the sample, led investigators back to Svalbard Global Seed Vault, from which the heirloom's seeds were taken. Contractor logs connected the robbery to a Steamfitters apprentice working to overhaul the Vault's temperature control system.
Thanks to the professionalism, coordination, and diplomacy of 17 nations, spanning Europe, India, and sub-Saharan Africa, justice will be served. The culprit awaits trial at the Hague on charges of Crimes Against Tatomity. I chose to publish the writer's original query with this response, not to provide them a platform, but to illuminate a difficult moral issue plaguing our times. Potato trafficking has seen an uptick in volume of 112% over the last decade. Estimates predict the number of tatoes trafficked will rise to 3.7 million by 2035.
Although this crime largely originated with vodka distillers, it is now a global enterprise, involving the tato skin transplant trade, the yarn industry, and--perhaps most insidiously of all--potato juice firms. Widespread societal debate about the potability of potato juice has not prevented this lucrative market segment from booming. And the bubble shows no sign of popping anytime soon. Potato water's largest producer--Spudwud Bottling Co.--is, alone, valued at 112 billion Euros. Metal straws, juicers, and other secondary market memorabilia generate another 73 billion in yearly sales. Powerful lobbying efforts have made regulation all but impossible. Unrestrained, ever-growing demand has incentivized suppliers to leverage illicit black market trades.
The true tragedy is real potatoes are being hurt... potatoes with aspirations, families, and dreams. Many tatoes have made peace with the great honor of volunteering for food sacrifice, but trafficked potatoes are distinctly motivated by the hope of cross-breeding and pollination. Some are so young as to still have green leaves. If these tatoes had volunteered for sacrificial juicing, that would be one thing... but no potato chooses to end up slowly rotting in a garage, leaking out the last of its water, blackened and foul. Counter-trafficking efforts have secured arrests, but raids frequently arrive after rot has taken hold. Crating conditions--tightly packed and without ventilation--lead to a contagion of spoilage. In the worst cases, the trafficker is apprehended off-site and storage locations are found months later. The resulting crime scenes are terrible enough to necessitate use of advanced spore-filtering respirators to protect cleanup crews from the dreaded tato lung. And the harms do not stop there.
A recent outbreak of food poisoning in Alsace–Lorraine was traced to a batch of Spudwud Fermented Sparkling Dew. A raid at the bottling plant revealed the company bought illicit crates of trafficked tatoes that had already gone black. The dark juices of the tainted tatoes were clarified through a sophisticated recirculating filtration system which appears to have been designed explicitly for that purpose. Be careful, loyal readers... that cool, clear, and refreshing Spudwud you're about to knock back may have been opaque just last week. A class action lawsuit on the part of sickened (and disgusted) consumers is pending.
If you know or suspect a potato is being trafficked, please call 1-888-HOT-TATO. The tip line is 24/7 and anonymous. You can make a difference. Next week we will return to answering reader questions in the usual format. Please send your inquiries, as always, to 'Ask Carlo,' care of the Tuber Herald Tribune in Pocomoke, USA.
Ever Yours, Carlo